The Discovery of Self

Is your best always the best?

2010-05-15T18:53:00.001-07:00

True love does not fade with time. Circumstances change, people, grow, and evolve, but the same person will always remain. I had an interesting flight from Honolulu to Sacramento today; and I was fortunate to find myself seated next to two very spectacular women. One of these wonderful young ladies I spoke with on and off for the majority of the flight. Come to find out, she has been married to the same man for 53 years. Not only has this woman lived a full, complete life, but she has been devoted and happy with the same man for almost three generations. Naturally, my first reaction to her telling me this was shock and awe. Why, you ask? Well because I don’t think I could imagine my wife putting up with me for nearly that long. I’m not even sure if I could put up with myself for that long.

So of course there are always a couple of questions that come with finding a person who’s capable of such devotion to another. The most important question that I wanted to ask was: If you could tell me one thing, give me one piece of advice coming from a person who has obviously mastered the art of marital devotion, what would it be? Of course, I received an answer which I would have never expected. She said, “I can’t tell you, there’s no secret, you have to find it for yourself.” My immediate reaction to that question was confusion, asking myself if I have just randomly met a person who just managed to get lucky and meet her true soul mate, or if I just met a person who just intentionally made Dr. Phil look like a shithead in one line. I thought about that for about an hour before I realized that she was right, and if I could take one thing away from everyone who has ever tried to give me marital advice, it would be what she had to say.

For the longest time I have been trying to find one right answer to success in the most challenging, yet most emotionally and mentally rewarding experience in life, which we like to call marriage. But the only single right answer is the fact that there isn’t one. Love and true happiness are nothing like anything else. To succeed in a career, or be good at a sport, or master a hobby, your parents always tell you, “Just work hard, stay focused, don’t give up, and always believe in yourself.” So if you can follow those basic principles, you will have a relatively successful career, etcetera. I wish it was that simple, but it’s not possible for any level of wisdom or knowledge to ever truly provide a universal, single plan or guideline for success in marriage. The fact is, you have to roll with the punches, take things as they come, and do what you can. I constantly remind myself that no one said it would be easy, I chose to devote myself to this woman, and even though trying my best may not always be the best, I have to take the cards in my hand, play what I have, and of course hopefully I didn’t bet my bankroll on a pair of deuces.

Now the one thing that I failed to mention regarding this incredible wife and woman was the fact that her husband was diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease after 30 years of their marriage. Parkinson’s is very difficult, and often traumatizing for the family and loved ones of the person who has it. The reason for this is because it slowly deteriorates the individual’s central nervous system, slowly taking away their ability to control natural and deliberate body function. The reason I didn’t point out this key part of the story is because If I would have immediately stated the fact that this woman knew that she was going to outlive her husband, and that have to watch her husband slowly die, I believe it would have taken away from the romance of the way these two people lived their lives. The truth is that they truly “rolled with the punches,” this couple took whatever life had to throw at them, and persevered through, thick and thin, all for their genuine shot at true love.

At the end of our conversation together, I ask her if she was satisfied. I asked her if she felt like she had given everything that she had for the love of her life. And I asked her if she would go back and change anything about the way things happened if she could. She said that she was completely satisfied, other than the fact that she misses her husband; she doesn’t have anything resting on her shoulders when she closes her eyes. And finally, she said that she would never go back and change anything, not because she wouldn’t want to change the fact that her husband is gone, but because she doesn’t think that her 53 year commitment could have been any better.

Social Existence

2010-05-11T17:25:00.000-07:00

I had a very interesting conversation with someone today regarding the basic necessities of man. After about ten minutes or so, we came to the conclusion that, by nature, man must have four things to not only survive, but to also be an efficient and effective human being. I'm sure most of you may be able to guess at least two, maybe three of these entities; Air (oxygen), Food, and Water. But what is the final necessity? What is the only other thing on this planet that a human has an absolute need for?

"Contact"

Us as humans find ourselves on a constant quest for interaction, or as we would like to refer to it as today: Social Existence.

Do you ever notice that nowadays when you take a plane flight next to a complete stranger, or sit in an empty waiting room with maybe one or two other people in there you have this urge to say something, anything? Make some type of social interaction even if it be as simple as saying "Hi, how are you today?" And the more time you sit in that awkward silence, the stronger that urge becomes. It’s strange how every person has this unexplainable ability, almost like a sixth sense, to know when someone is looking at them. I believe that this "sixth sense" is the body and mind's ability to constantly search and make attempt to identify the fact that they have been acknowledged by another.

The key point that I had made earlier was the fact that man needs social interaction to survive. Now of course this is just a theory, but what happens when you take that away? Well one of the best examples that I have been able to think of without doing any sort of research can be found in one of the better Tom Hanks movies.

In the movie Cast Away, Tom Hanks becomes stranded on an island, with no one around, not a single soul, other than himself. And what eventually happens is he becomes best friends with the infamous ball named "Wilson" with no human-like attributes whatsoever other than a bloody hand print with a face drawn into it. After placing a concept such as that into words, it almost becomes funny, as most people would think that if they were stranded on an island alone, placed in the same situation as he was, there would be no possible way that they could every become friends with a ball. Okay, well maybe that example may be a little bit farfetched, but I'm sure everyone has an old Aunt or Grandmother who has some sort of pet, whether it be a dog or a cat, and as they get older and older, they probably become more and more lonely. Their children grow older and begin their new families, their children's children grow older, and the cycle of life continues to flow. So what happens in Grandma's case 99% percent if the time? Her 8 pound fur ball named mittens slowly but surely becomes her best friend, and suddenly you become a little bit concerned because Grandma is talking to an animal like it’s a human being. The fact is, with an extended period of being alone, in solitude, the human will go through several stages before they get to the point of befriending volleyball, or talking to an animal. First they will likely reach out, and made some sort of attempt to reacquire a social entity in their life. Now depending upon the person, I'm sure that once this attempt has rendered inadequate results, they will move into a sudden state of anger, where they lash out to those whom they felt were supposed to be there for them, the ones who, at one point or another, were their closest loved ones. Then they will slowly but surely find themselves in a state of constant depression, self loathing, lacking self-esteem and self worth. On many occasions I have found myself in this state of depression. Where you almost feel like no matter what any person says or does to try to make it better, you naturally lash out at them, as if it were their fault. With the attitude along the lines of, you've already given up on me, so why shouldn't I give up on you? Once this person has begun to slowly move through this state of depression without resolve, there is a multitude of things which can go from that point. And of course one of these possibilities is to go into Tom Hanks/Wilson mode and live in a state of constant delusion; or some have even been known to commit suicide. There are many possibilities, but the fact is that due to the human need for "contact," a person will often shift to an altered mental state of instability.

You know, for the longest time I was baffled by the fact that websites such as Facebook, Twitter, or MySpace manage to thrive with so much success. These social networks continuously grow and evolve in our generation with more and more users indulging in the fact that they now have the ability to place their thoughts, or even useless tidbits of information about themselves out to the world with such ease. Now the funny thing about it is, even I use Facebook, and I've been asking myself why I use it for the longest period of time. Yet when I'm sitting at work, or at home, bored, what do I do? I pick up my cell phone and see what's going on, and for some reason, 95% of the time, I'm disappointed in what I read. I mean come on, do you really think the world wants to know that you found a dollar on the ground, and decided to go to McDonalds and buy a $1.00 double cheeseburger with no onions? Probably not. But for some reason people bite onto that shit, they post another useless comment like "ohhh, I love McDonalds, especially the Ranch BLT, or the classic Big Mac is always awesome." And the conversation about nothing continues to blossom. Is this due to the fact that we as humans thrive for any type of communication, regardless of the subject or outcome of that communication? With that being said, I believe that we, as the most intellectual, educated species on earth, choose simplicity over complexity, simply to satisfy the feeling of emptiness that comes with lack of interaction. Compromising the fact that we all know we are better, smarter, and more intelligent than using small minded conversation to satisfy our insecurity.

There is a quote by Eleanor Roosevelt that I will never forget, and I always try to apply this quote to my discussions and social interactions. "Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people." Not that I spend all of my time to sit here as a hypocrite and preach to the world that you should never talk about events and people. But do you ask yourself the question, how often to I express my own genuine, individual ideas and discuss them?

I believe that there is more to life than just living, existing, and blowing through the wind without leaving any legacy behind you. I know that my goal is to at some point in my life leave a permanent mark upon our world, now the size of this mark or group of individuals affected by this mark is truly irrelevant. But I would like to know that somewhere down the line, I will be remembered for something I did that changed the life of one, or the lives of many. And I know that by taking a step past the fear of rejection, the insecurity of self, I can express my true ideas, and maybe at least one of them, will inspire those around me.

What is Love?

2010-05-11T02:33:00.000-07:00

I'm sure most of you are familiar with the movie "Wedding Crashers." There's a line in that movie that most individuals would look past, or even fail to take a second thought to. Toward the middle of the movie when Owen Wilson tries to explain the meaning of love to Rachel McAdams, he says "Love is the soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another.' Whoever the writer of that movie was, probably didn't realize that that single statement made him a genius.

Our generation, our culture, has watered down the term "love". We throw this word around as if it were something that you could almost say to a near stranger, a person whom you may not even know the inside of, a person who's intentions may or may not be clear to you. I constantly hear women, or to be more specific, girls, tell one another that they love each other. But is that truly what love is? The thought that your "BFF" is willing to do whatever you ask of her, right or wrong, ethical or non-ethical? Maybe that's not the true expression of love.

When I think of the word love, I don't necessarily relate that to action, but I relate to more; such as emotion, connection, and a plethora of human senses that become nearly overwhelming when attempt is made to comprehend.

The word "love is similar to the word "fuck," it can almost be translated or taken in a different manner depending upon the context of the verb. Or is at an adjective, maybe a noun; a thing? See, my point exactly, the problem with the way our culture has adapted this word is the fact that we have decided to use it as we determine necessary. This mindset is very similar to something a very wise man once told me regarding the word discrimination. When I say the word discrimination, the average person immediately thinks of a racial, gender, religious, or background related stereotype which declines or prevents an individual from the same treatment or opportunity that another may receive due to the perception of self to the outside world. Yes, this definition may be accurate according what our culture has defined it as. But is that truly what the word "discrimination" means?

Well before I go any further into this, let me give you the English definition of the word discrimination: "The power of making fine distinctions; discriminating judgment."

What that definition means to me is very simple. Let me provide an example that may place this into perspective. Generally speaking, a U.S. citizen cannot receive their driver's license until they reach the age of 16. Now the reason for that is due to discrimination. Our government elected officials, chosen by us, have made the decision that a child is not responsible or capable enough to safely operate a motor vehicle until the age of 16. Now this decision is derived from the fact that the better interest of our general population must be protected in order to preserve the safety of everyone.

Unfortunately for me, or actually all of us, is the fact that the word love cannot as easily be defined in the way we have analyzed the word discrimination. Now I believe that the reason for this is because love is based upon many more variables than just physical appearance, or pre-existing stipulations. You cannot place it into a category by itself; you must consider the additional factors that take part in the identification and realization of that entity. Its almost like algebra in a sense, each variable plays a vital part in determining the value of "x." Now, with a formula using the mindset of mathematics, a constant is required in order to determine the value of the remaining variables based upon that constant. So what is the constant when it comes to determining the true meaning of love? My thought is that this constant we speak of changes from person to person.

Today, I made an attempt to express my love for my wife in clear, concise language that would be easy to understand by not only her, but by anyone in my situation. What that came down to was saying that I am willing to do whatever it takes to show her, to prove to her, that she is the only person I could ever truly love. Almost like Eminem once said in the lyrics of one of his songs: “Have you ever loved someone so much that you'd give an arm for 'em? No, not the expression, literally give an arm for them." This is why I’ve come to the conclusion that Love (which has now become a word which requires capitalization) is the most powerful force known to man.

Throughout history, man has been known to act irrationally and make unexplainable decisions because of Love. These actions have often changed or altered the direction or destiny of man. I believe that time has not changed this fact. Time will never change or alter the definition of true Love. But we still have yet to identify what exactly Love is. And this is the reason why this emotion has always been, and forever will be the most powerful force known to man.

We will leave it with this:
I believe that Love is a combination of the body, mind, spirit, emotion, and soul. The only emotion that legitimately and equally unites these entities and combines every possible human sense into a feeling of true bliss, which can never be duplicated.

Over time, I will continue to update, adjust, and add opinion based upon my own experience, and the experiences that I observe in those around me.